Monday, February 6, 2017

Schenkerian Gang Signs Presents: Selected Siri Notes from Beyoncé's iPhone



Siri, add to list of potential baby names (in the spirit of Blue Ivy):
Turquoise Magnolia
Ochre Tulip

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Siri, note to my assistant. I have decided what I want as the background for my pregnancy announcement photo. I want a floral arrangement that would not be out of place in the Sun King's court. It should be at least three feet tall and include flowers that are the size of a pomegranate. I am not exaggerating.

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Siri, add to list of potential baby names:
Orange Hyacinthe
Sable Iris

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Siri, write an email to lilmonsterno1@gaga.com: Dearest Lady G, I extend my heartfelt gratitude to you for inviting me to perform with you at the Superbowl this year--my apologies for the fact that you have not been able to reach my telephone! Unfortunately, I must decline, as I am with three hearts. This is not some weird Illuminati thing, but my way of saying that I am pregnant with twins. I would like to offer you some advice based on my experience last year, when I stole the show from some band that no one remembers. Be sure to have sufficient leg strength that if you appear to fall during your set, you can pull yourself right back up. All of America will then question whether you did almost fall, or if you are, in all things, Flawless. With the most profound love from all three of my hearts, B.

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Siri, add to list of potential baby names:
Fuchsia Willow
Saffron Meadow

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Siri, note to my assistant. Please notify the florist that while the original floral arrangement sent over was passable, I will require one that it at least three times as big. And more elaborate. And with more flowers. Also some of the flowers should be larger. And with more accompanying foliage in the background.

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Siri, add to list of potential baby names:
Lemon Æd 
Purple Reign
No wait, scratch that, isn't one of the Kardashian kids named Reign?